My last post was 9/9/2009…almost three months ago. A lot has happened since then.
Despite the problems with my health, I decided to tough it out and go to school. I felt that I knew all there was to know, and that I’d find a solution quickly. so why waste my time at home? It turned out that there was quite a lot I didn’t know…and a lot of things I could not control. There were allergies I did not know about, chemicals that I was not allergic to, but which were so harsh that my skin couldn’t take them. There were things I couldn’t control either- like chemicals in the rain, or interacting with other people, or having to use laundry facilities which were shared with other people.
I survived the first month okay, but then it started to get worse and worse. And finally, I had to cut my hair. It was too much of a liability- it caught things, and so my head and neck were constantly touching whatever was in my hair too. Everyone has something that they are vain about. And sometimes, with my skin, I really, truly feel ugly and horrible. But at least when that happens, I still have my beautiful, long hair. I really loved my hair. When I cut it, it was like I was cutting off a limb.
By the middle of October, I was in a state where I was getting only 2 hours of sleep a night. I was so exhausted and miserable that studying, sitting down to read, or going to class were huge struggles. I finally made the decision to take the semester off and go home.
I felt defeated. I wanted so badly to be able to go to school and live a normal life. I wanted to be with all my friends and my girlfriend, and I wanted to learn. My whole life,I’ve looked for somewhere where I could belong, where I would feel right in the world, and Berea was that place. It wasn’t perfect, but it had become my home…and I had to leave. It absolutely terrified me that if I left, when I came back it would be just like my sophomore year of high school, whenI changed schools and I was a total stranger. I didn’t want to be alone, but I had to.
I’ve been isolated and alone for most of the past month and a half. This has been partly out of necessity (minimizing the risk of exposure to other environmental things/allergens) and…because I wanted to be alone.
I didn’t want people to see me like I was, defeated and miserable and a failure. When you put all your hopes in something, and then that something fails, it really hurts. I was hurt, and I spent all of my time in my room, alone. Most of all, I was tired of caring. I was sick of feeling anything at all, so I distracted myself with video games and movies and music.
Maybe I wasn’t as miserable as I was when my skin was terrible, but I was depressed. Who wouldn’t be, after what happened to me? But the few times when I did go out, when my best friend Greg dragged me out of my room, or invaded my house when I refused to leave, or when I saw my girlfriend…that was when I was the happiest. Then I watched Welcome to the NHK.
In Japan, there is a social phenomenon known as “hikikomori“. It is a condition in which, due to personal, social, or other reasons, an individual will remain in their home or room for extended periods of time, isolating themselves from the outside world. It usually affects young men. It is suspected that 1% of the Japanese population is affected by it. Welcome to the NHK is an anime which focuses specifically on the life of a hikikomori. The similarity to my life was uncanny. I started to realize just what I was missing out on.
Most importantly, I started to realize that I need to get out of this hole. I don’t know how long I will be like this, or when I will be able to find a way to come back. But I need to make the most of what I have right now. I have a huge luxury that many others don’t have- time. And I may have failed, but as long as I am creating something…as long as I am contributing something to the world, I’m not a failure.
I’m not sure what happens next, but that’s okay.
